Radical Vocation
Love & Moxie is radical. It pushes back on labels. It is here for anyone who aligns with it.
Linearity is not a moral good unto itself. Hustle culture is not necessary for survival. Identities are not more valuable once set in stone. The body, brain, and life experiences we have are not a deviation from our life — they create our life.
We can trust ourselves, our bodies and our brains even when they don't match the manual.
Bonus: when we trust ourselves, we evolve.
Let’s Go Baloney Free
I spent decades inside different containers, labels and roles. Nothing fit all of me.
I have always been a super creative person, passionately focused on conveying what is true. I am allergic to baloney — but I also wanted to connect. So many places and people seemed to require a label or a rigid role that didn't feel true. I attended great schools and made friends. I thought about opening a vegan cafe, being a singer, becoming a college professor, and writing a book. But I still sometimes got misfiled in a box that said baloney on the outside. Huh. At midlife I am realizing I am much weirder than I knew. (Apparently my kids knew all along!) I'm proud of who I am. But I don't fit easily in any box. People really like boxes and a lot of people like baloney.
Parenting was not a choice I made in lieu of my own career path. Taking time to be with my guys was a considered choice rooted in a complex analysis of reality and my values. That temporary role was never something I viewed as my professional vocation. I had an advanced degree in ethics from a prestigious school. I was always smarter than most — and far more modest. I have noticed our culture tends to read caregiving as incompatible with leadership or ambition. Whoah. That one is worth examining very closely. I think differently than most and I always have. My nonlinear processing style is a gift that you can see in my intellect, wit and adaptability. So it catches me off guard when I bring up non-linear brains like mine and people go quiet or act uneasy. To me, it feels like being shunned. Like I showed up at a party in my cool, new dress with anticipation and someone said "Oh, jeez. Must be laundry day." It stings to not be received well. It’s worse when we don’t expect it.
The mismatch between my self perception and the boxes I am put in by others is profound and persistent. That is not easy but it is a gift I want to share. I want to apply my lived experience of difference with my applied ethics lens, to help create practical, actionable change.
Misperception has been a dominant experience in my life. Though I always bemoaned the experience, I now see there are ways in which I contributed to some of it.
Because, you see, I wanted to be liked. And I was afraid.
I saw how often my revelations didn't elicit the reactions I hoped for and I wasn’t sure which parts of me would go over well and which would make people go quiet and act like something awkward happened. But now time has passed. I like my own company enough to risk being a lone wolf. I am done holding back parts of myself even if I am not liked or if people react to me in ways that sting. With my work, I set out to share honestly and clearly. My sincere hope is that I may help others feel safe enough or brave enough to do the same. (But fair warning to anyone tempted to follow my lead — sharing clearly does not guarantee we will be seen clearly. I know - it’s a real bummer.)
Being honest and open does mean we have done our part. My willingness to go there is what makes me a leader. So I will continue to speak up even if no one likes it or gets it. I will keep being honest even if my fan base consists of a rowdy gang of crickets.
Love & Moxie is about letting go of a need for rigid, outdated labels or any external frames that are stuck on default even though they do not actually fit our values or honor what we know is true.
It is possible to live inside ill-fitting boxes that say baloney all over the outside. Many of us spend most of our time doing it even when we have an established nitrite sensitivity. I am not here to judge anyone. I am also not here with a singular answer that works for each situation or person across the board. I am skilled in applying an ethical framework to real life, with all the specifics of what is in front of us. I am ready to do this work with you.
This is my vocation. It does not fit easily on a lanyard. Honestly, it’s pretty tight here on Squarespace. But an easy fit was never the point. The point is honesty and making choices that reflect integrity. We can skip the baloney.
Leading beyond Labels
In the Fall of 2024, I was shifting into a brand new stage of my life out of parenting and into the unknown of my life’s unique vocation. Over numerous years, I dreamt about how and when I might see my intellectual and communal contributions honored and valued in a public way. Once the kids didn’t need me as much, I would have time to focus on my own professional path. But wait - what about the singing career I dreamed of as a high school senior looking at Oberlin’s art programs? Oh yeah - not practical enough. Maybe I could apply my ethics background toward vital board work at the local hospital. I loved applying ethics to medical cases and perhaps that kind of work would let me truly make a difference. What about the plant based allergy friendly bakery I considered opening? I used to love baking but making food nonstop for my offspring had somehow shifted that experience into something like shoveling coal. So that would not work anymore. The optimist in me was always open to myriad possibilities and figured it would make itself known. In any case, I felt sure I could carve out space for myself to be seen and valued by my peers after all the legos had been put away and toast had been eaten. I knew I wanted to look back at my adult life and not feel like I took a hit for the team. And there was time. I was inspired by Nancy Pelosi who spent time parenting before joining congress. If Nancy did it, I could too. But that would come later.
I had never figured out how to connect with what seemed like cookie cutter work options. Nothing pre-fabricated felt like it fit or called to me in an honest way. Clearly I was a goldmine (and a humble one) of talents and skills that were waiting for an outlet. Honestly, knowing how much I had to offer while assigned to shifts of nonstop toast buttering was often rather frustrating. I loved my guys fiercely and I was grateful to be with them. But did that mean I had to shove any professional dreams off the table as if this were an all or nothing trade? Was my love for them something that I only got in exchange for my own path? I never thought so. Not once. In those years I of course felt the strain of holding so much inside me that wanted to come out. But I felt it was responsible and loving to let some things remain dormant and unexpressed so that I could take up this noble, but impermanent, post. It was hard to contain my complexity inside myself. But I could have handled it better if I were not confronted by people here and there blatantly assuming that my post was permanent and encapsulated the entirety of my personhood. Over those years, I got the sense at times that simply caring for my offspring implied that I had never entertained my own career aspirations. Why in the world would that be? I mean, come on. An idea like that was a bridge too far, even for an open minded person like me. Fortunately, my kids always saw me for exactly who I was in my complexity. They had no illusions that I was calm and satisfied at any time. Ha. They could hold my expansive and radical self. They had complete awareness of my full shape and they still do to this day. They also always knew that I was not going to play the board game but they could ask dad. We found a way through.
Even with full awareness that no cookie cutter would do for my work, I still felt pressure to find one when it came time to transition. What could I pick off the shelf that would honor my shape and give me the opportunity to share my gifts with the world? A really big gingerbread man, maybe? Taking time out to participate in a yearlong leadership program at midlife was an act of faith in myself that rejected that pressure to pick a shape off the shelf. I engaged in a deliberate process of discernment despite various practical concerns that might have dissuaded me. It had been a while. My life, my brain, and my body were complex and not gingerbread shaped. I needed time to reflect, to learn, and to consider what would work best. My process was rooted in a radical rejection of hustle culture, hierarchical career trajectories, or the idea that my value to others needed to be externally validated — and ideally on a 100% cotton resume. I gave myself the gift of being real. It was a transition. It would take time.
The Leadership Upper Valley program was instructive in many ways but the greatest lesson I took from it was the simplest: each of us can - and should - lead. Even when our identity, our experience or our way of seeing the world defies any simplistic understanding, we can still lead. Even when we ache from working so hard and still being misunderstood, we can still lead. Even when it takes longer than we ever could have imagined, we can still lead. So I am going to lead a radical business. It requires me to be brave. It requires not hiding parts of myself. It requires being strong enough to withstand the discomfort of not being legible to others even when I care about what they think. We are stronger when each of us takes up our actual, entire shape. Even if we have to special order the shape on Etsy. If it takes extra time, we need to honor that with patience. What we don’t need is a ladder, a label or a lanyard that neatly describes our purpose. We just need to commit to acting on what is true.